Houdini will do 4 of these this season, here is the first... BITCHSLAP!
Awesome Panda Bear slapping a photographer art was created by Dan Lachman, you can buy a poster of it here:
Please do so! So cool.
BITCHSLAP, INSTALLMENT #1
The Bitchslap is back for another year, and it only gets better this season. For those of you who are not familiar with the Bitchslap, this is my opportunity to rail on the players that have ruined your fantasy season to this point. This is a fun piece where I get to vent on these guys for failing you and hopefully give them the inspiration they need to right the ship going forward. I will be breaking the season down into 4 quarters and delivering Bitchslaps every 4 weeks. Each installment will only cover the previous 4 weeks of the season, so this installments lucky recipients have the opportunity to clear their name over the next 4 weeks, otherwise they will receive their 2nd Bitchslap in a row.
Aaron Rodgers – Here is a name I definitely did not expect to see on the list. What the Fuck is wrong with you Rodgers??? Did you know that you went 1st in a shit ton of fantasy leagues this year? You are currently the 11th best quarterback in standard scoring leagues with a mere 68 points. Your games against the Bears and Seattle left a lot to be desired as you threw for 442 yards and 1 TD total in both games…WTF!!! I expect you to stay on track with your week 4 performance of 319 yards and 4 TD and not to see you here again, but you are here so get ready for my backhanded Pimp BITCHSLAP!!!
Matthew Stafford – Stafford, you had a breakout season last year and have the best wide receiver in the game, and so far this season you are BLOWING ASS!!! You are the 14th best quarterback with 61 points and have yet to throw for more than 1 TD in a game!!! Not to mention the fact that you have more interceptions than TD passes, you are freaking killing me and other owners. What is up with the dink and dump passes everywhere??? Did you see what Shaun Hill did when he came in for you and hit Calvin Johnson all over the field? Time to step up your game and get your shit together, and for your ineptitude through the first 4 weeks I am giving you the double handed BITCHSLAP!!!
Michael Vick – Vick liked being Bitchslapped so good last year that he is back for more. Vick is such a disappointment and is driving his owners crazy with his knack for turning the ball over. In just 4 games this season Vick has turned the ball over 11 times!!! Are you fucking kidding me??? Vick you are a bum and not only are you turning the ball over like crazy, you are only completing 56.8% of passes and you have yet to run for more than 50 yards in a game. Get your shit together and in the meantime enjoy your tasty BITCHSLAP!!!
Philip Rivers – How quick can you fall from the elite? Let’s ask Philip Rivers who was the darling of Fantasy 2 years ago and got worse last season and is off to a horrible start to 2012. Rivers you currently rank 20th amongst quarterbacks with a pathetic 50 points to your name. You used to be the guy who was throwing for 300 yards almost every week and this season you have not managed to throw one 300 yard game and not only that, you have thrown for less than 231 yards 3 times!!! You are a disgrace to Air Coryell, so this is going to be a bomb from back in the day and landing hard with your BITCHSLAP!!!
Tony Romo – Tony Tony Tony, what can I say other than you totally SUCK BALLS!!! You made all your owners feel really good about themselves after week 1, and then you have laid egg after egg after egg. Do you realize over the past 3 games you have 2 TD passes and 7 INT!!! You are the 23rd rated quarterback with a paltry 46 points!!! It’s Big D in Dallas for DISGRACE!!! You have some of the most talented skill players around you and still can’t put up any stats!!! Jessica Simpson is coming back at 40 lbs heavier to deliver your BITCHSLAP!!!
LeSean McCoy – Another top notch first rounder that I did not expect to see on this list. McCoy do you realize you are currently the 15th best running back and have 1 more point than Jackie Freaking Battle!!! You currently have more fumbles (2) than TD (1)!!! You have been completely ineffective as a #1 RB in Fantasy through the first 4 weeks and you better get your shit straightened out, or you are going to singlehandedly bring down all the owners who put their faith in you to lead them to victory!!! Get ready for a big motivational BITCHSLAP!!!
DeMarco Murray – DeMarco, you are currently looking like a 1 year wonder…wait I can’t say that because you did not even have a full year last season. You were drafted very high this season and what have you done to pay back your owners??? You are the 20th best running back, congrats on being the lowest scoring RB2 in Fantasy!!! You have been absolutely dazzling your last 3 games with 106 yards and 1 TD TOTAL!!! You have got to be joking??? You are supposed to be Mr. Big Play and were going to take the Fantasy world by storm, but it looks like you have been downgraded to a drizzle!!! I have watched your last 3 games and I noticed you can’t get away from a tackler so this should be real easy to hit you with this BITCHSLAP!!!
Darren McFadden – McFadden you were supposed to be the unstoppable force this season and you look like the undeniable farce so far!!! You are the 22nd ranked running back just ahead of Cedric Benson, nice company you are keeping these days. I hope you realize, because I sure have, that if you take away your 1 TD run of the year (which went for 64 yards) that you have 137 total yards on the season with a stellar 2.44 yards per carry!!! You are supposed to be the Ultra Back, you look like an Ultra Crap I took this morning!!! Your fantasy owners and I need you to step it up, so here is my legendary 2.4 yards per carry BITCHSLAP!!!
David Wilson – Wilson you really made this easy on me with your first and nearly last carry of the season which you fumbled!!! I am going to keep this short and sweet, like your career might be if you keep this up. We pegged you as a guy to get in Fantasy this year and you FUCKED US!!! Get ready because I have a feeling you might fumble when you get hit with this BITCHSLAP!!!
Shonn Greene – Shonn, my Iowa boy, you have really let me down this season. I am keeping this one between you and me because I thought you were going to step up and own the backfield for the Jets, but boy was I wrong. You gave me reason to believe in week 1 with 97 yards and then have SHIT the bed for the past 3 weeks!!! On top of that it looks like you are going to lose a lot of carries to Bilel Powell, nice work!!! You are ineffective in the redzone and well pretty much all over the field to this point. I am pissed off and giving you a special delivery from Iowa City…yeah it’s a BITCHSLAP!!!
Chris Johnson – Well CJ.5K you did it again and fooled owners into spending a high draft pick on you. It’s nice that you decided to play football again in week 4, but that does not excuse you from your first 3 weeks where you posted 45 total yards on 33 carries!!! I just don’t understand how a guy who ran for 2,000 yards can look so bad when you are not that far removed from that season, but I guess you, along with Vick just loved getting your Bitchslap last season that you had to come back for more. Good news for you, as I have 3 more of these lined up and ready for you, but let’s just get the first one out of the way with the over handed windmill BITCHSLAP!!!
Julio Jones – Julio, I don’t think you have any idea how much we had been building you up going into this season and even had you as our second ranked WR to draft this year…WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!! You are the 17th best wide receiver so far this season and your last 3 games with 10 catches and 111 yards total is not getting it done!!! I still believe in you and because of that I am giving you the biggest MOTIVATIONAL BITCHSLAP!!!
Greg Jennings – Jennings the best thing about you this season has been your Old Spice commercials. You were another receiver that many pegged as their #1 receiver to draft and you have been one of the biggest busts so far this year. You have perhaps the best quarterback in the game and are on a team that rarely runs the ball and you still can’t put up stats or stay healthy!!! When you are healthy, which won’t be in week 5, you have managed 78 yards on 12 catches all season…THAT IS PATHETIC!!! I have your place waiting for you in the next installment, but until then, I hope this one stings, enjoy your first of many… BITCHSLAP!!!
Jordy Nelson – Might as well stay in Green Bay and talk to the 32nd ranked wide receiver. So Jordy, Jennings is out and you are the main weapon and what have you done with it??? NOT FUCKING MUCH!!! You had a breakout season last year and were supposed to carry that forward into this season but have failed to do so. You had 15 TD last season and have managed only 1 in the first 4 weeks!!! You came through with a nice game in week 4 and I expect that trend to continue and I don’t want to see you in my office again in 4 weeks. So on your way out feast on this BITCHSLAP!!!
Hakeem Nicks – Nicks what’s new buddy? How are you feeling? Are you a little under the weather? WHAT’S FUCKING NEW, YOU ARE HURT AGAIN!!! You made all your owners feel great with 10 catches for 199 yards and TD in week 2 and then have failed to see the field the next 2 weeks and might not play this Sunday. You are a total MINDFUCK to all your owners and have been that way for years now!!! I am done talking about you and hope the injuries you have don’t get worse after this BITCHSLAP!!!
Dez Bryant – Bryant you did great in week 4 getting your first 100 yard receiving game of your career, but HOW IS THAT YOUR FIRST 100 YARD GAME!!! You are a beast and should be a total weapon in the redzone for your team, but you have ZERO FREAKING TD THIS SEASON!!! You have all the tools to be a dominating player in this league, but just have not realized it yet. I am going to do you a favor and turn this one around on you by handing off the honor of this slap to your mother. Mother knows best how give you your BITCHSLAP!!!
Jeremy Maclin – Maclin, I thought you were coming into camp totally healthy this season and you were going to take the league by storm this year…thanks for making me look stupid!!! You made me feel great after week one where you had 100 yards and a TD and then came the rest of the season to this point. You have managed only 2 catches for 30 FUCKING YARDS IN THE LAST 2 GAMES YOU PLAYED!!! Not to mention that while you were healthy you were only targeted 3 times in week 4!!! I traded a boatload to get you in one of my keeper leagues in the offseason and you have been TOTAL SHIT!!! I hope this one finds you and wakes you up, so you get a backhanded, overhand with a twist BITCHSLAP!!!
Robert Meachem – Meachem I had you pegged as a sleeper breakout player this year and you made the fool of me…Now it’s my turn!!! YOU SUCK SO MUCH ASS AND HAVE RUINED MY QB IN RIVERS, I HATE YOU…I DON’T WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN UNTIL 4 WEEKS FROM NOW WHEN I GE THE CHANCE TO DO THIS AGAIN!!! YOU GET THE, I SUCK SO BAD I GET ALL CAPS BITCHSLAP!!!
Jason Witten – Nice Spleen you FUCKING BITCH!!! You let everyone down for the first 3 weeks of the season and were so fucking bad that most of your owners BENCHED YOU LAST WEEK!!! After benching you come out with 13 receptions for 112 yards and TD against the Bears…YOUR OWNERS FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!! So which Witten is going to come out this week??? No way to know so in the meantime let me give this underperforming Spleen a hearty BITCHSLAP!!!
Jermichael Finley – Finley you are a specimen and should be impossible to defend with your size and speed…SO WHAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM??? You have failed to have a game with more than 60 yards!!! Are you kidding me??? You also let your agent run his mouth and say that your quarterback is not a great leader…THAT SURE HELPED!!! You need to screw your head on straight, learn how to hold onto easy passes and not fumble when Charles Tillman hits you…let’s see if you can hold on after this BITCHSLAP!!!
Fred Davis – Davis, you broke out last year and things were looking even better for you with RGIII going off to start the season…so what’s your deal??? You have been completely ineffective for all but 1 week and STILL CAN’T FIND THE ENDZONE!!! There are many who expected you to take the next step this year, like myself, so it is with great pain and a heavy hand that I give you this BITCHSLAP!!!
Antonio Gates – Antonio I am going to close out the first installments of Bitchslaps with you, as you may be one of the most deserving so far this year. You are currently the 29th best Tight End in standard leagues…YES 29TH!!! I can’t believe that you have been so bad this year, but then the stats don’t lie. You have not more than 4 catches in a game and your yardage high for the season was a 59 yard game against the lowly Chiefs. You are the prototype for all the other Tight Ends in the league, but you are not playing like it. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! For doing nothing so far you have a well earned and deserved BITCHSLAP!!!
BY HOUDINI (email me)