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Pyro original fantasy football player news.


Eddie Lacy

Seattle Seahawks

Seattle's Crowded Backfield


Seattle Seahawks RB Thomas Rawls ankle injury will hold him out of week 2 preseason action on Friday. It’s being called a minor injury and Eddie Lacy is now expected to be the starting tailback for the second preseason game.

Fantasy Goo: When it was first announced that Rawls would get the start I thought nothing of it, teams usually rest their banged-up players week 2 anyway. Week 3 is what we really care about, but if they’re resting Rawls this week that becomes somewhat questionable. We should probably consider this a full blown committee at this point, in which case you can read our “League Winners” article to see who I think is worthy of drafting in this backfield.


08/17/17, 09:24 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Thomas Rawls

Seattle Seahawks

Seattle's Crowded Backfield


Seattle Seahawks RB Thomas Rawls ankle injury will hold him out of week 2 preseason action on Friday. It’s being called a minor injury and Eddie Lacy is now expected to be the starting tailback for the second preseason game.

Fantasy Goo: When it was first announced that Rawls would get the start I thought nothing of it, teams usually rest their banged-up players week 2 anyway. Week 3 is what we really care about, but if they’re resting Rawls this week that becomes somewhat questionable. We should probably consider this a full blown committee at this point, in which case you can read our “League Winners” article to see who I think is worthy of drafting in this backfield.


08/17/17, 09:24 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Andrew Luck

Indianapolis Colts

Indy Needs Some Luck


There has been quite a bit of concern about Andrew Luck’s availability to start the season on the active roster after offseason surgery. Hartbeat points out that, “Colts seem confident in Luck for week 1 as they haven't changed their playbook.” There is a concern about his offensive line though as starting C Ryan Kelly is likely to find himself on the designated IR for return after foot surgery.

Fantasy Goo: Luck put together a 2016 season with a career best 71.2 QBR and a 92.4 PFF grade. If he’s healthy he’s a must start, and his ADP has fallen nearly two rounds since August first. He is now being drafted as the eighth QB off the board. Check out the Draft Kit vol.3 to get the full goo.


08/17/17, 08:57 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Aaron Jones

Green Bay Packers

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08/17/17, 10:10 AM CDT by The Hartbeat

Source: pyromaniac.com


Curtis Samuel

Carolina Panthers

Samuel Back in Pads


Curtis Samuel was back in full pads for today's practice (Wednesday), he has missed almost all of training camp with a hamstring problem that began as a issue in the spring. He's been out for so long that it's hard to see him having a immediate early-season role.

Fantasy Goo: Samuel is the ultimate utility knife if he can get healthy, he can pick up the big plays vacated by Ginn and match anything fellow rookie McCaffrey does in the passing game.


08/16/17, 08:15 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Ty Montgomery

Green Bay Packers

Green Bay Rookie's on Display


“Ty Montgomery’s likely absence from Saturday night’s preseason game at Washington will put an even bigger spotlight on the depth-chart battle involving three of Green Bay’s third-day draft picks. Williams is the front-runner in part because he’s shown the best aptitude for pass protection in the backfield. Jones has displayed a different gear in the open field that he’d love to show off in a game if he gets a crease. Mays is the best example of compact power, at 5-10 and 230 pounds.”

Fantasy Goo:Ty performed very well last year with the 3rd best juke rate of 34% and the best yards per contact per touch of all RBs at 2.8. The issue with Montgomery is Jamaal Williams is in line to take away the short yardage work and it’s unclear what type of volume Ty can handle as he rushed double digits in only 1 game.


08/16/17, 07:58 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: www.packers.com


Jamaal Williams

Green Bay Packers

Green Bay Rookie's on Display


“Ty Montgomery’s likely absence from Saturday night’s preseason game at Washington will put an even bigger spotlight on the depth-chart battle involving three of Green Bay’s third-day draft picks. Williams is the front-runner in part because he’s shown the best aptitude for pass protection in the backfield. Jones has displayed a different gear in the open field that he’d love to show off in a game if he gets a crease. Mays is the best example of compact power, at 5-10 and 230 pounds.”

Fantasy Goo:Ty performed very well last year with the 3rd best juke rate of 34% and the best yards per contact per touch of all RBs at 2.8. The issue with Montgomery is Jamaal Williams is in line to take away the short yardage work and it’s unclear what type of volume Ty can handle as he rushed double digits in only 1 game.


08/16/17, 07:58 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: www.packers.com


Jaron Brown

Arizona Cardinals

Jaron Number Two?


Larry Fitzgerald is the No. 1 wideout. Brown? “He’s No. 2 right now,” Coach Bruce Arians said Tuesday.
“I’ve been here for a while,” Jaron Brown said. “Every camp is different. We obviously have injuries, and that gives me an opportunity. I just try to take advantage.

Fantasy Goo: I could see Jaron shooting up draft boards, and I like him as a last round dart throw, but this just makes that receiving corps all the more crowded. A torn ACL prevented Jaron from possibly breaking-out last year. Yesterday we thought JJ Nelson would emerge, I’m sure we will be re-visiting this regularly.


08/16/17, 04:21 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Cole Beasley

Dallas Cowboys

Beasley Under the Radar


NFL Next Gen Stats have revealed many of their numbers to the public recently. Hartbeat picked this one out on Twitter: Cole Beasley adding another advanced stat that he thrives in, Top 10 in separation among all pass catchers.

Fantasy Goo: Beasley was one of the most efficient weapons in the NFL last year. His Defense-adjusted Yards above Replacement and Defense-adjusted Value over Average ranked as 5th best among WRs. For more on Beasley and others check out the Pyro Pulse podcast episode 6, WR Tiers.


08/15/17, 05:08 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


John Brown

Arizona Cardinals

John Brown’s Health Back in Question


WR John Brown looking like sickle cell IS NOT being managed by the Cardinals. Could be another injury plagued season for Brown. Arians said WR John Brown not practicing full time is a concern (He's been participating in certain drills during practice).

Fantasy Goo: JJ Nelson was the WR11 in PPR scoring weeks 13-17, it appears as though we should be drafting Nelson as one of our late round flyers immediately. If the Brown news continues to be negative we will begin to see Nelson’s stock rise. Jaron Brown and Chad Williams are names we should also keep an eye on, but Arians has complained about their lack of performance publicly.


08/15/17, 04:28 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Maxx Williams

Baltimore Ravens

Maxx Looks Slow, Open Door for Watson


“Tight end Maxx Williams deserves a ton of credit for persevering through a serious knee surgery and getting back onto the field this summer. But in watching him run, it’s still pretty clear that he has a ways to go. He has bulked up and gotten considerably stronger, so it will be interesting to see whether he becomes more of a blocking tight end, assuming he’s on the season-opening roster.”

fantasy Goo: Ben Watson appears to be worth a last round flier. Denis Pitta was the number eight TE overall last year and he only scored 2 TD’s. Watson was the number 6 TE in 2015 with Drew Brees throwing him 6 TD’s.


08/15/17, 03:54 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: www.baltimoresun.com


Ryan Mathews

Philadelphia Eagles

Ryan Matthews Released


After passing his physical earlier today, The Eagles have informed former starting RB Ryan Mathews that he's been released. This move was completely expected, the Eagles save a bunch of money by releasing him now.

Fantasy Goo: Hartbeat would like to see him land in: IND, SF, MIA or CHI (all backup roles). I think the Giants or Ravens should see what he has left in the tank, even if it’s just a few games Matthews is a talented back, he’s just been drenched with injuries. I don’t think the team that picks him up has to pay much for him.


08/15/17, 03:30 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Devonta Freeman

Atlanta Falcons

Freeman in Concussion Protocol


Coach Quinn says Devonta Freeman is in concussion protocol, will be ruled out for Sunday's game. This really means nothing if he’s back by next week, but if this lingers like Jay Ajayi’s concussion, Coleman might actually be worth his draft value in the sixth round.

Fantasy Goo: Despite being only 206 lbs he had the 3rd most RZ carries with 53. Although Coleman is an extremely strong receiver Freeman was still top 5 in catches among RBs on only a 63% snap share.


08/14/17, 04:34 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Leonard Fournette

Jacksonville Jaguars

Fournette Battling Same Issues


Jaguars rookie RB Leonard Fournette suffered a foot injury and HC Doug Marrone said team intends to be "careful with him." Fournette battled a recurring foot/ankle injury throughout his final season at LSU. It was a real problem most of the year.

Fantasy Goo: Fournette was clocked running 22.9 MPH at LSU last season, for reference Tyreek Hill was the NFLs fastest player at 23.2MPH. It appears as though Jacksonville is being cautious, but rookies need to get on the field and learn the nuances of the NFL, especially pass blocking.


08/14/17, 03:31 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Jordan Matthews

Buffalo Bills

Matthews Must Play With Pain


Bills' WR Jordan Mathews has what team is calling "a chip fracture in his sternum" and is week to week.
The good news is that it’s just a pain tolerance issue. The bad news is that it can be pretty painful.

Fantasy Goo: Matthews move to Buffalo had very little effect on his projections, but with lack of practice with his new team he will almost certainly get off to a slow start. Check the Pyro Pulse Podcast (Ep.5) to get the hot, sticky goo on how this affects the value of the other Bills and Eagles skill players.


08/14/17, 03:29 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Marqise Lee

Jacksonville Jaguars

Lee High Ankle Sprain Opens Door for Hurns, Again


Jaguars WR Marqise Lee suffered a high-ankle sprain, source said. He'll push hard to be ready for Week 1, but caution could push it back.

Fantasy Goo: Lee was the 39th overall pick of the 2014 draft. In 2016 he caught a career-high 63 passes for 851 yards and three touchdowns. He was finally healthy after continuous injuries the last two years. I think many would rank him higher if we could be sure that he has beaten Allen Hurns out for regular targets.


08/14/17, 02:56 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Jordan Reed

Washington Redskins

Reed Has "Special Shoes"


“Redskins tight end Jordan Reed said his new cleats and orthotics have made a difference for his sprained big toe. Reed said, "I'll be out there shortly." He remains on the PUP list.”

Fantasy Goo: Jay Gruden has made it very clear that the offense runs through Jordan Reed, this was never more prominent than when the Redskins let their two best WRs based on production walk this offseason. Reed has obviously red flags when it comes to injuries, he is one dirty hit away from a career ending concussion. When he is healthy, there is no TE that I would rather have, Reed has averaged the most fantasy points per game over the past two seasons and is targeted on a minimum of 15% of his routes.
For more see Hartbeat TE Gold Diggers vol.1


08/13/17, 08:24 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Sterling Shepard

New York Giants

Shepard Back in Practice


“Just 11 days after he was carted off the practice field with an ankle injury fearing the worst, Shepard practiced fully with his teammates on Sunday. There appeared to be very few restrictions on the second-year receiver, who also didn't seem to be favoring his injured ankle at all.”

Fantasy Goo: Shepard finished second among rookie WRs in targets, catches, yards and touchdowns. In general, second year WRs see a jump in fantasy production by 16%, but Sterling is more likely to move in an inverse fashion. With the Giants bringing in Brandon Marshall and Evan Engram, Shepard is the most likely to see a decrease in targets. See Hartbeat, WR Gold Diggers vol.1 for more.


08/13/17, 07:55 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Robby Anderson

New York Jets

Robby With Early Bomb


With Enunwa out for the season the New York Jets will be looking for one of their young receivers to step-up. On their first drive Josh McCown connected with Robby Anderson for a 53 yard gain and finished the drive with a 4-yard TD pass to Charone Peake. Anderson finished the first half with three receptions for 71 yards.

Fantasy Goo: Anderson could be a nice late-round flyer, but this offense doesn’t project for much fire-power. Anderson projects for a 63/830/4 line and Peake is nothing more than a DFS GPP play or possible bye-week flyer.


08/13/17, 08:14 AM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Travis Kelce

Kansas City Chiefs

Kelce to Return Next Week


After the game, Chiefs coach Andy Reid provided an update on a few of those guys, specifically Travis Kelce. “They are close,” Reid noted of those three guys. “(They will) potentially get some work this next week, we’ll just see how it goes. They’ve got a big rehab session (Saturday), so we’ll see.”

Fantasy Goo: Since he fractured his patella in 2013 and missed his entire rookie campaign, Kelce has not missed a game. Kelce led all TEs last season in fantasy points, but he also thrived under advanced metrics, also leading the league in Success Rate on 65% of his plays. – Hartbeat
I five games without Maclin on the field over the past two years Kelce averages 2.76 more PPR points per game even though he did not score a TD in any of them.


08/12/17, 07:56 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Jay Ajayi

Miami Dolphins

Ajayi Still in Concussion Protocol


Running backs coach Danny Barrett believes Kenyan Drake could be an every-down back if Jay Ajayi misses multiple games. He said Drake is “more reliable, more dependable, being where he’s supposed to be – especially in our passing game”

Fantasy Goo: I’m not necessarily buying what they’re selling, but Ajayi out for 10 days so far does concern me. Gase was not happy with Ajayi to start last year and it was a work-ethic issue. A concussion requires medical clearance and cannot be put in the same category, but Gase seems to have the old-school mentality of, “you can’t make the club from the tub.” If Ajayi is out for any amount of time we can expect about a 50/50 split from Drake and Damien Williams, neither is built for work-horse carries.


08/12/17, 06:23 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Kenyan Drake

Miami Dolphins

Ajayi Still in Concussion Protocol


Running backs coach Danny Barrett believes Kenyan Drake could be an every-down back if Jay Ajayi misses multiple games. He said Drake is “more reliable, more dependable, being where he’s supposed to be – especially in our passing game”

Fantasy Goo: I’m not necessarily buying what they’re selling, but Ajayi out for 10 days so far does concern me. Gase was not happy with Ajayi to start last year and it was a work-ethic issue. A concussion requires medical clearance and cannot be put in the same category, but Gase seems to have the old-school mentality of, “you can’t make the club from the tub.” If Ajayi is out for any amount of time we can expect about a 50/50 split from Drake and Damien Williams, neither is built for work-horse carries.


08/12/17, 06:23 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: twitter.com


Jordan Matthews

Buffalo Bills

Bills replace Watkins with Jordan Matthews


“Bills acquired WR Jordan Matthews and a 2018 third-round pick from the Eagles in exchange for CB Ronald Darby.” I’m not quite sure what the Bills are thinking here, they now have three (Zay Jones, Anquan Boldin) receivers that play predominantly out of the slot.

Fantasy Goo: For Matthews this is pretty much a lateral move, if he continues to play from the slot. He is far more successful from the slot compared to playing the outside receiver positions. Podcast (Ep.5) to get the hot, sticky goo on how this affects the value of the other Bills and Eagles skill players.


08/11/17, 07:38 PM CDT by Wheeler

Source: pyromaniac.com

Bitchslap, Installment #1

Bitchslap, Installment #1

Posted by d-Rx on 10/06/12

by   The Archer


@TheArcher


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bitchslap! 01/04 - by houdini

 

 

BITCHSLAP, INSTALLMENT #1

 

 

The Bitchslap is back for another year, and it only gets better this season.  For those of you who are not familiar with the Bitchslap, this is my opportunity to rail on the players that have ruined your fantasy season to this point.  This is a fun piece where I get to vent on these guys for failing you and hopefully give them the inspiration they need to right the ship going forward.  I will be breaking the season down into 4 quarters and delivering Bitchslaps every 4 weeks.  Each installment will only cover the previous 4 weeks of the season, so this installments lucky recipients have the opportunity to clear their name over the next 4 weeks, otherwise they will receive their 2nd Bitchslap in a row. 

 


aaron rodgers pyro character

Aaron Rodgers – Here is a name I definitely did not expect to see on the list.  What the Fuck is wrong with you Rodgers???  Did you know that you went 1st in a shit ton of fantasy leagues this year?  You are currently the 11th best quarterback in standard scoring leagues with a mere 68 points.  Your games against the Bears and Seattle left a lot to be desired as you threw for 442 yards and 1 TD total in both games…WTF!!!  I expect you to stay on track with your week 4 performance of 319 yards and 4 TD and not to see you here again, but you are here so get ready for my backhanded Pimp BITCHSLAP!!!

 

 

matthew stafford pyro character

Matthew Stafford – Stafford, you had a breakout season last year and have the best wide receiver in the game, and so far this season you are BLOWING ASS!!!  You are the 14th best quarterback with 61 points and have yet to throw for more than 1 TD in a game!!!  Not to mention the fact that you have more interceptions than TD passes, you are freaking killing me and other owners.  What is up with the dink and dump passes everywhere???  Did you see what Shaun Hill did when he came in for you and hit Calvin Johnson all over the field?  Time to step up your game and get your shit together, and for your ineptitude through the first 4 weeks I am giving you the double handed BITCHSLAP!!!

 

 

mike vick pyro character

Michael Vick – Vick liked being Bitchslapped so good last year that he is back for more.  Vick is such a disappointment and is driving his owners crazy with his knack for turning the ball over.  In just 4 games this season Vick has turned the ball over 11 times!!!  Are you fucking kidding me???  Vick you are a bum and not only are you turning the ball over like crazy, you are only completing 56.8% of passes and you have yet to run for more than 50 yards in a game.  Get your shit together and in the meantime enjoy your tasty BITCHSLAP!!!

 


philip rivers pyro character

Philip Rivers – How quick can you fall from the elite?  Let’s ask Philip Rivers who was the darling of Fantasy 2 years ago and got worse last season and is off to a horrible start to 2012.  Rivers you currently rank 20th amongst quarterbacks with a pathetic 50 points to your name.  You used to be the guy who was throwing for 300 yards almost every week and this season you have not managed to throw one 300 yard game and not only that, you have thrown for less than 231 yards 3 times!!!  You are a disgrace to Air Coryell, so this is going to be a bomb from back in the day and landing hard with your BITCHSLAP!!!

 


tony romo pyro character

Tony Romo – Tony Tony Tony, what can I say other than you totally SUCK BALLS!!!  You made all your owners feel really good about themselves after week 1, and then you have laid egg after egg after egg.  Do you realize over the past 3 games you have 2 TD passes and 7 INT!!!  You are the 23rd rated quarterback with a paltry 46 points!!!  It’s Big D in Dallas for DISGRACE!!!  You have some of the most talented skill players around you and still can’t put up any stats!!!  Jessica Simpson is coming back at 40 lbs heavier to deliver your BITCHSLAP!!!

 

 

lesean mccoy pyro character

LeSean McCoy – Another top notch first rounder that I did not expect to see on this list.  McCoy do you realize you are currently the 15th best running back and have 1 more point than Jackie Freaking Battle!!!  You currently have more fumbles (2) than TD (1)!!! You have been completely ineffective as a #1 RB in Fantasy through the first 4 weeks and you better get your shit straightened out, or you are going to singlehandedly bring down all the owners who put their faith in you to lead them to victory!!!  Get ready for a big motivational BITCHSLAP!!!

 

 

demarco murray pyro character

DeMarco Murray – DeMarco, you are currently looking like a 1 year wonder…wait I can’t say that because you did not even have a full year last season.  You were drafted very high this season and what have you done to pay back your owners???  You are the 20th best running back, congrats on being the lowest scoring RB2 in Fantasy!!!  You have been absolutely dazzling your last 3 games with 106 yards and 1 TD TOTAL!!!  You have got to be joking???  You are supposed to be Mr. Big Play and were going to take the Fantasy world by storm, but it looks like you have been downgraded to a drizzle!!!  I have watched your last 3 games and I noticed you can’t get away from a tackler so this should be real easy to hit you with this BITCHSLAP!!!

 


darren mcfadden pyro character

Darren McFadden – McFadden you were supposed to be the unstoppable force this season and you look like the undeniable farce so far!!!  You are the 22nd ranked running back just ahead of Cedric Benson, nice company you are keeping these days.  I hope you realize, because I sure have, that if you take away your 1 TD run of the year (which went for 64 yards) that you have 137 total yards on the season with a stellar 2.44 yards per carry!!!  You are supposed to be the Ultra Back, you look like an Ultra Crap I took this morning!!!  Your fantasy owners and I need you to step it up, so here is my legendary 2.4 yards per carry BITCHSLAP!!!

 


david wilson pyro character

David Wilson – Wilson you really made this easy on me with your first and nearly last carry of the season which you fumbled!!!  I am going to keep this short and sweet, like your career might be if you keep this up.  We pegged you as a guy to get in Fantasy this year and you FUCKED US!!!  Get ready because I have a feeling you might fumble when you get hit with this BITCHSLAP!!!

 


shonn greene pyro character

Shonn Greene – Shonn, my Iowa boy, you have really let me down this season.  I am keeping this one between you and me because I thought you were going to step up and own the backfield for the Jets, but boy was I wrong.  You gave me reason to believe in week 1 with 97 yards and then have SHIT the bed for the past 3 weeks!!!  On top of that it looks like you are going to lose a lot of carries to Bilel Powell, nice work!!!  You are ineffective in the redzone and well pretty much all over the field to this point.  I am pissed off and giving you a special delivery from Iowa City…yeah it’s a BITCHSLAP!!!

 

chris johnson pyro character

Chris Johnson – Well CJ.5K you did it again and fooled owners into spending a high draft pick on you.  It’s nice that you decided to play football again in week 4, but that does not excuse you from your first 3 weeks where you posted 45 total yards on 33 carries!!!  I just don’t understand how a guy who ran for 2,000 yards can look so bad when you are not that far removed from that season, but I guess you, along with Vick just loved getting your Bitchslap last season that you had to come back for more.  Good news for you, as I have 3 more of these lined up and ready for you, but let’s just get the first one out of the way with the over handed windmill BITCHSLAP!!!

 


julio jones pyro character

Julio Jones – Julio, I don’t think you have any idea how much we had been building you up going into this season and even had you as our second ranked WR to draft this year…WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!  You are the 17th best wide receiver so far this season and your last 3 games with 10 catches and 111 yards total is not getting it done!!!  I still believe in you and because of that I am giving you the biggest MOTIVATIONAL BITCHSLAP!!!

 


greg jennings pyro character

Greg Jennings – Jennings the best thing about you this season has been your Old Spice commercials.  You were another receiver that many pegged as their #1 receiver to draft and you have been one of the biggest busts so far this year.  You have perhaps the best quarterback in the game and are on a team that rarely runs the ball and you still can’t put up stats or stay healthy!!!  When you are healthy, which won’t be in week 5, you have managed 78 yards on 12 catches all season…THAT IS PATHETIC!!!  I have your place waiting for you in the next installment, but until then, I hope this one stings, enjoy your first of many… BITCHSLAP!!!

 


jordy nelson pyro character

Jordy Nelson – Might as well stay in Green Bay and talk to the 32nd ranked wide receiver.  So Jordy, Jennings is out and you are the main weapon and what have you done with it???  NOT FUCKING MUCH!!!  You had a breakout season last year and were supposed to carry that forward into this season but have failed to do so.  You had 15 TD last season and have managed only 1 in the first 4 weeks!!!  You came through with a nice game in week 4 and I expect that trend to continue and I don’t want to see you in my office again in 4 weeks.  So on your way out feast on this BITCHSLAP!!!

 


hakeem nicks pyro character

Hakeem Nicks – Nicks what’s new buddy?  How are you feeling?  Are you a little under the weather?  WHAT’S FUCKING NEW, YOU ARE HURT AGAIN!!!  You made all your owners feel great with 10 catches for 199 yards and TD in week 2 and then have failed to see the field the next 2 weeks and might not play this Sunday.  You are a total MINDFUCK to all your owners and have been that way for years now!!!  I am done talking about you and hope the injuries you have don’t get worse after this BITCHSLAP!!!

 


dez bryant pyro character

Dez Bryant – Bryant you did great in week 4 getting your first 100 yard receiving game of your career, but HOW IS THAT YOUR FIRST 100 YARD GAME!!!  You are a beast and should be a total weapon in the redzone for your team, but you have ZERO FREAKING TD THIS SEASON!!!  You have all the tools to be a dominating player in this league, but just have not realized it yet.  I am going to do you a favor and turn this one around on you by handing off the honor of this slap to your mother.   Mother knows best how give you your BITCHSLAP!!!

 

 

jeremy maclin pyro character

Jeremy Maclin – Maclin, I thought you were coming into camp totally healthy this season and you were going to take the league by storm this year…thanks for making me look stupid!!!  You made me feel great after week one where you had 100 yards and a TD and then came the rest of the season to this point.  You have managed only 2 catches for 30 FUCKING YARDS IN THE LAST 2 GAMES YOU PLAYED!!!  Not to mention that while you were healthy you were only targeted 3 times in week 4!!!  I traded a boatload to get you in one of my keeper leagues in the offseason and you have been TOTAL SHIT!!!  I hope this one finds you and wakes you up, so you get a backhanded, overhand with a twist BITCHSLAP!!!

 


robert meachem pyro character

Robert Meachem – Meachem I had you pegged as a sleeper breakout player this year and you made the fool of me…Now it’s my turn!!!  YOU SUCK SO MUCH ASS AND HAVE RUINED MY QB IN RIVERS, I HATE YOU…I DON’T WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN UNTIL  4 WEEKS FROM NOW WHEN I GE THE CHANCE TO DO THIS AGAIN!!!  YOU GET THE, I SUCK SO BAD I GET ALL CAPS BITCHSLAP!!!

 


jason witten pyro character

Jason Witten – Nice Spleen you FUCKING BITCH!!!  You let everyone down for the first 3 weeks of the season and were so fucking bad that most of your owners BENCHED YOU LAST WEEK!!!  After benching you come out with 13 receptions for 112 yards and TD against the Bears…YOUR OWNERS FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!  So which Witten is going to come out this week???  No way to know so in the meantime let me give this underperforming Spleen a hearty BITCHSLAP!!!    

 


jermichael finley pyro character

Jermichael Finley – Finley you are a specimen and should be impossible to defend with your size and speed…SO WHAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM???  You have failed to have a game with more than 60 yards!!!  Are you kidding me???  You also let your agent run his mouth and say that your quarterback is not a great leader…THAT SURE HELPED!!!  You need to screw your head on straight, learn how to hold onto easy passes and not fumble when Charles Tillman hits you…let’s see if you can hold on after this BITCHSLAP!!!

 


fred davis pyro character

Fred Davis – Davis, you broke out last year and things were looking even better for you with RGIII going off to start the season…so what’s your deal???  You have been completely ineffective for all but 1 week and STILL CAN’T FIND THE ENDZONE!!!  There are many who expected you to take the next step this year, like myself, so it is with great pain and a heavy hand that I give you this BITCHSLAP!!!

 


antonio gates pyro character

Antonio Gates – Antonio I am going to close out the first installments of Bitchslaps with you, as you may be one of the most deserving so far this year.  You are currently the 29th best Tight End in standard leagues…YES 29TH!!!  I can’t believe that you have been so bad this year, but then the stats don’t lie.  You have not more than 4 catches in a game and your yardage high for the season was a 59 yard game against the lowly Chiefs.  You are the prototype for all the other Tight Ends in the league, but you are not playing like it.  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!!  For doing nothing so far you have a well earned and deserved BITCHSLAP!!!

 

 

 

BY HOUDINI (email me)