Bitchslap, Installment #2-  11/03/12

BITCHSLAP!!! INSTALLMENT #2

Bitchslap!!! Is back for the second of 4 installments this season and I have 23 well deserving recipients from the past 4 weeks of football.  Of the 23 players, we have 5 who are returning for their second straight Bitchslap!!!  These lucky 5 are still in the running to get the Golden Sombrero BITCHSLAP!!! (GSBS), which goes to the player who gets a Bitchslap!!! in all 4 installments.  21 of 23 players had a bye during the past 4 weeks, so their sample size will be the 3 games they played over the past 4 weeks.  So without further ado, let’s give it to these players that have ruined your past 4 weeks. 

Joe Flacco – Flacco, you were on fire for the first 4 weeks of the season and had me ready to trade my #1 QB and go with you the rest of the way…then you went and, as Dawg would say, SHIT THE BED!!!  You went from averaging 317 yards a game in the first 4 to 189 yards a game over the past 3 games!  Then there is problem with your completion percentage which was 63.5% and has plummeted to 53.1% over your last 3 games!  The worst part is your lack of TD production!!!  You threw 7 TD through 4 games and have only managed 2 TD over the past 3 along with 3 INT!!!  Thanks a lot for giving your owners what would appear to be fool’s gold!!!  For that, I am going to hit you with this BITCHSLAP!!!  FOOL!!!

Ryan Fitzpatrick – Fitzpatrick once again you started the season out strong and got many owners to bite and believe you were for real after your first 4 weeks produced 12 TD with a 3 TD per week average.  That was great, just like last year, but over your last 3 games you have managed a mere 504 yards passing, with a high game of 225 yards…PATHETIC!!!  On top of that, the thing that made you such a threat was your TD production which has produced a total of 3 TD over your last 3 games!!!  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me…or as George W. Bush said “You get fooled you can’t get fooled again”.  Well Harvard boy, I had this place reserved for you, because I don’t get fooled again!!!  For you, I will give you a highly educated BITCHSLAP!!!

Matt Schaub – Well it was only a matter of time before you made your way here Mr. Schaub.  I am not surprised, since you have the best running back in the game, but you are also supposed to have one of the leagues premiere receivers as well, and should be able to exploit play action for a lot of big gainers.  Unfortunately, you seemed to forget how to have the big game.  Over your past 3 games you have averaged 232 yards a game 1 TD and 1 INT.  What you have given your owners is a steaming pile of Fantasy CRAP!!!  So for them I am going to show you how to go big or go home and you will feel this one for the next 4 weeks…BITCHSLAP!!!

Cam Newton – Cam you have shown such strong leadership and you are the true definition of a team player as witnessed by your actions on the field…NOT!!!  You were the vulture last season and were off to a great start this year with your 3 rushing TD through the first 4 weeks.  Then, your last 3 games you have crushed your Fantasy owners with 688 yards over your last 3 games with 1 passing TD and 0, that is correct, 0 Rushing TD.  Then on top of that you have thrown 3 INT and fumbled the ball 4 times!!!  Since I am a Bears fan and could not believe that you did not thank Louis Murphy for saving your ass with his recovery of your fumble on the goal line for a TD, I am going to do him a favor and give you the lack of leadership BITCHSLAP!!!

Phillip Rivers – Phillip, Phillip, Phillip, you have been a disappointment all season and once again find yourself in the crosshairs of a BITCHSLAP!!!  You got off to a good start to staying off my list with your performance in week 5 where you went for 354 yards and 2 TD, but that was against New Orleans and everyone lights them up!!!  Since that game, not including your Thursday Night game against Kansas City, you managed 395 yards, 2TD, 4 INT and 3 fumbles…well done!!!  I also have to say that only managing 218 yards against the Chiefs is a good way to get back here one more time and keep yourself in the running for the GSBS!!!  Since that will be a special time if it happens, let’s just focus on your second one, so I will need the other side of your face for this one.  This is getting too easy, so enjoy your double handed two timing BITCHSLAP!!!

Jamaal Charles – You were the toast of both me and Dawg, after you backed us up for backing you and hit with a 233 yard performance in week 3 and had us believing you were ready to blow up again and again, and I was believing it when you posted 140 yards rushing against the Ravens in week 5.  Only problem with that is the fact that your following 2 games produced a total of 44 yards rushing…WTF!!!  I am not a 100% sure it is your fault, as your coach Romeo is a MORON and only gave you 17 attempts total the next 2 games!!!  You are still going to receive the wrath of the slap, but I am going to continue on the follow through to smack some sense into Romeo!!!  So, I am sorry and believe me, it hurts me more to do this than it will hurt you…just kidding…BITCHSLAP!!!

Reggie Bush – Bush you are another guy that all your owners smiling after your awesome start to the season, but then the old Reggie Bush made his presence felt over the last 3 games.  You were running at a clip of 5.5 yards per carry through the first 4 weeks and since then you have only managed a weak 2.8 yards per carry!!!  There has been no burst to your game over the last 3 weeks, whether that be running or receiving as your best total yards game over the last 3 games was 72 FREAKING YARDS!!!  You are not getting it done as of late, so since the old Reggie Bush has come back, I am going to bring back an old flame of yours who is pretty pissed off that you decided to marry someone else.  Kim Kardashian with the celebrity ring turned to hurt BITCHSLAP!!!

Michael Turner – Turner the burner you gave your owners a glimpse of what you used to be with your huge week 4 performance against the Carolina Panthers, but I was not sold, as unfortunately you were one of my BUST candidates this season.  Since that game you have only posted 158 yards total over the next 3 games with a high game of 67 yards!!!  Then there is the fact that in the last 3 games you have been the burnout, with 3.0 yards per carry average.  You are on a team that is an offensive machine and gets into the redzone a lot, but you have only managed 1 TD over the last 3 games and have added a fumble!!!  So for you I have a slap that will move more to your speed…here is your slow-motion BITCHSLAP!!!

LeSean McCoy – McCoy you have been terrible all season and that is unacceptable for a player that was taken top 3 in a majority of drafts this season!!!  I laid into you with your first slap 4 weeks ago and you have managed to be even worse since then!!!  In your past 3 games you have posted a 195 total yards with only 120 rushing yards!!!  Over that time you have averaged a dismal 2.6 yards per carry and have only posted 1 TD and since you did not want that to bring you up too much, you added a fumble as well!!!  Like Philip Rivers you are making your second appearance and are still in the running for the GSBS!!!  So I am going to run you down and tackle you, because it seems so easy, and give you the BOO BIRDS BITCHSLAP!!!

Darren McFadden – DMC, you have been better than Shady, but not good enough to keep yourself out of the running for GSBS!!!  You were my first round pick this season and have been a disappointment all year and over the past 3 games posted 237 rushing yards, which included a 114 yard performance.  That would seem to be a good game there, but you only averaged 3.9 yards per carry in that game and have failed to produce the big run that you are supposed to be known for!!!  I understand that you are on a horrible team, but you have shown in the past that you are a game changer, but your play has just lead me to change the channel.  You have an easier schedule coming up, so if I see you here again you will be the front runner for the GSBS!!!  Until then I will have to settle for laying into you with your second consecutive BITCHSLAP!!!

Brian Hartline – Hartline you burst onto the scene with a 253 yard performance in week 4 against Patrick Peterson and the Arizona Cardinals and had everyone running to the waiver wire to get you.  I am going to keep this slap short, just like your 15 minutes of fame!!!  Over the last 3 games you have posted 100 total yards including a game where you produced a goose egg!!!  You are truly not the golden goose, so here is a rotten egg BITCHSLAP!!!

Roddy White – White you were off to a great start this season with Julio Jones taking some attention away and you were able to benefit from that while Julio found himself where you are right now.  You were averaging over 100 yards receiving a game for the first 4 weeks, but have only averaged 59 yards a game over the past 3 games with a high game of 72 yards.  This is not getting it done!!!  The other issue I have is that you have seen a reduction in your targets, seeing only an average of 6 per game over the last 3 games!!!  In order to get you back on track, I am going to give you a Rowdy Roddy Piper BITCHSLAP!!!

Calvin Johnson – Megatron have you turned into Wheelie (Transformer geeks know)???  You are having probably the most substandard season that could be imagined!!!  You were a TD machine last season and have 0 TD grabs over the past 3 games and only 1 TD all year, and that was from your backup quarterback!!!  You are supposed to be the game breaker and have only posted 215 yards over the past 3 games, which includes a 135 yard performance!!!  Your other main problem is that fact that you have not played like you have all of your owners used to seeing you play.  You have been targeted 31 times over the past 3 weeks, but have only converted that into 12 catches…intolerable!!!  So until you get your SHIT together I am going to stop calling you Megatron and are now Wheelie!!!  So Wheelie I hope you enjoy your BITCHSLAP!!! 

Dwayne Bowe – Bowe you are in a tough situation with a horrible quarterback and an even worse head coach, but those facts will not save you from this slap!!!  After posting 3 TD grabs in the first 4 weeks you have not found the endzone since!!!  On top of that you are not helping any of your owners out with yardage or an abundance of catches with 12 grabs for 150 yards over your past 3 games!!!  It may a tough spot that you are in, but all that means is that I will keep your place warm for 4 weeks from now.  For you I am going to give you Jack Stack BBQ BITCHSLAP!!!

Torrey Smith – Torrey you were one of my breakout candidates this season and I expected you to take the next step, but instead your owners and I have been given inconsistent and underperforming play!!!  Over your past 3 games you have posted a feeble 103 yards and a TD which prevented you from being a total disaster!!!  Your high game of the past 3 weeks was a 4 catch 41 yard performance!!!  You are supposed to be adding big plays down the field and posting a monster game every third game, but you have not even come close!!!  I am delivering you a 11.4 yards per catch BITCHSLAP!!!

DeSean Jackson – Djax you got your contract and were then going to return to your form of 2010, but it looks like 2011 all over again.  Over the past 3 games you have not produced a TD and have only totaled 191 receiving yards, which is bad enough, but you only had 1 run over the last 3 games and that went for -14 yards!!!  I understand you have Vick, who make me sick like dog and want to puke, at quarterback, but you were once a very dynamic player in the league and helped dominate Fantasy in 2010, but that is so far in the past it is disgusting, like you performance as of late!!!  This will not be Vick throwing at you this time, so it is a guarantee that I will connect with your BITCHSLAP!!!

Brandon Lloyd – Lloyd you finally got yourself into a situation where you are the main receiver on a team with a Hall of Fame quarterback and plenty of other weapons on the offense to give you one on one coverage all day long.  So with all that, you have managed to blow your opportunity to this point!!!  Here is the kicker for you Lloyd, you have played 4 games over the past 4 weeks and have only managed 148 total yards with a high game performance of 80 yards, while the other 3 games have averaged 23 yards a game!!!  You have been a letdown to your owners and for that you get a stone handed BITCHSLAP!!!

Hakeem Nicks – Nicks you are the last receiver on my list, and what a surprise you are back for your second helping and a chance to stay in the running for the GSBS!!!  Once again you missed another game due to injury over the past 4 weeks and only posted 143 receiving yards in the 3 games that you did play in!!!  You have been the epitome of mediocre the last 3 games you played averaging 48 yards on 4 catches and 0 TD and a worthless 11.9 yards per catch!!!  You are supposed to be an elite receiver with an elite quarterback and another weapon on the other side of the field to draw attention away, but you seem like you have lost a step!!!  Where is the Nicks from the playoffs last season???  He is gone and the injury prone Nicks has returned, so try not to hit the IR after I hit you with this BITCHSLAP!!!

Jimmy Graham – Graham you were the dominator last season and barely avoided getting slapped 4 weeks ago, but there is no hiding now!!!  Over the past 4 weeks you have played in 2 games and missed 1 because of injury.  In those 2 games you have totaled 67 yards with 63 of those coming in one game and only added 1 TD!!!  You were taken in the second round in almost every draft, if not the first round and should have been the clear advantage at the position, but instead you are tanking the season for your owners!!!  Like I did in my last Bitchslap article, I am going to give you a motivational, don’t be back here again BITCHSLAP!!!

Brent Celek – Brent you have simply crushed my season in one league this year and having Vick as your quarterback is no excuse, as for some amazing turn of events he actually missed getting a BITCHSLAP!!!  You have gotten worse and worse as the season has gone on and over the past 3 games have posted a total of 74 yards with 1 TD and a wretched 7.4 yards per catch!!!  You have weapons all over the field which should allow you to roam across the middle and make plays, but you have flat out stunk up the joint!!!  You have a great chance this week to avoid coming back for a second time with a game against the Saints, but until then you get a heavy handed BITCHSLAP!!!

Kyle Rudolph – Kyle, you were on fire for the first 4 weeks and were scoring TD and were extremely useful.  Over the past 4 weeks, you have played 4 games and totaled 96 yards with 2 TD, but have only put up 17 yards and 0 TD over the past 2 weeks including a game with no stats!!!  You seem to have forgotten what made you so successful the first 4 weeks and you better get back in gear!!!  There is no doubt that when I get done with you, your nose will be red like the reindeer after this BITCHSLAP!!!

Dennis Pitta – Pitta you were a pleasant surprise through the first 4 weeks of the season and have been in free fall since then.  You have had a high receiving game of 33 yards over your past 3 games and have failed to find the endzone!!!  I am not going to pay you much mind, because I really don’t think you have the goods to be a dependable tight end in Fantasy, but that won’t stop me from attacking low lying fruit.  So Pitta, I hope you enjoy being hit like a piñata with this BITCHSLAP!!!

Jermichael Finley – Finley you are my final slap and for you it is your second, so you also still have a chance to get the GSBS!!!  Unlike Pitta, every owner that picked you expected you to make an impact on their team, which you have but in a BAD way!!!  You have actually played 4 games over the past 4 weeks and in that time have only managed 78 total yards!!!  That is more than ridiculous when you consider that Jennings has been out and Jordy Nelson also missed a game.  In that time your 4 games look like this for yardage: 11, 12, 31 and 24.  That is about as bad as you can get and of course you have not found the endzone!!!  It gives me great pleasure to be able to show you how to use god given ability and take you to the shed with a backwoods BITCHSLAP!!!           

BY HOUDINI (email me)

- 11/03/12