BITCHSLAP INSTALLMENT 3
Well it is time again for another round of BITCHSLAPS!!! Once again these are the players that have ruined your Fantasy experience over the past 4 weeks and this my chance to lay the lumber to them in a fun way to let me and all of you vent your anger for the poor performances these players have caused you. Without further ado, here is Installment 3!!!
Ryan Fitzpatrick – Well Fitzpatrick, you find yourself in my doghouse for your second BitchSlap this season. After your first appearance in my last installment you tried hard, but could not reverse the trend of your season. Over the past 4 weeks, you posted only one good game and averaged 231 yards a game over the span. You only threw a TD pass in 2 of the 4 games and failed to throw for more than 180 yards in 2 of those games…pathetic!!! You have a very favorable schedule over the next 4 weeks, so if you wind up back here you could be a front-runner for the GSBS (Golden Sombrero BitchSlap). Until then, I am going to give you the BITCHSLAP that will prevent your beard from growing for a week…BITCHSLAP!!!
Christian Ponder – Ponder you only had the benefit of 3 games during this span and were completely awful in those games with a total of 443 yards in those games, including a game against Seattle when you posted a grand total of 63 yards passing with an INT…NICE WORK!!! You have shown a pension for having horrendous games where you post basically no stats, but I can guarantee you that I will register a hit with your owners as you take on my Nordic BITCHSLAP!!!
Eli Manning - You have been atrocious for another November and have run a lot of your Fantasy owners’ teams into the muck!!! How in the world, with all the talent you have around you have you managed to not even throw for more than 250 yards in any of your games over the past 4 weeks!!! You also only managed to throw a TD pass in one of your 3 games...this is not the elite Eli Manning you claim to be!!! Not only are you here, but it looks like you have dragged Victor Cruz down with you…so as a Victor Cruz owner I am giving you a SALSA BITCHSLAP!!!
Reggie Bush – Reggie, Reggie, Reggie, it appears you have gone back to your roots of having a ton of talent and not producing the Fantasy points your owners need. You posted a total of 169 yards rushing over the past 4 games!!! What is worse is that you 41, 21, and 20 yards rushing in 3 of those games!!! Then there is the fact you are supposed to be a threat in passing game and have not had more than 2 catches in your last 4 games!!! How you can’t beat Daniel Thomas out of more carries and touches is beyond me!!! You also remain in the running for GSBS with your second appearance. Here is your ticket to a vacation on South Beach with a Punk Ass LeBron James BITCHSLAP!!!
Ryan Mathews – Mathews you have been the epitome of a Fantasy nightmare!!! Over the past 4 weeks you have had enough touches to do damage, but have failed to score a TD and run for less than 72 yards in every game!!! You were supposed to be top 10 running back, when healthy, this season and have not come close to any hype. So as one of your owners I am going to stand you up straight and shine this BITCHSLAP!!! up real nice, then turn it sideways and stick it straight up your CANDY ASS!!!
Matt Forte – Forte you started out this quarter hot with a 103 yards rushing and 45 yards receiving with a TD in your first game against the Titans, but have fallen off the table since. In the following 3 games you have totaled 144 yards rushing, failing to reach more than 42 yards twice!!! On top of that you only had 5 receiving yards on 7 catches in those 3 games and no TD!!! You were a Fantasy Stud over the past couple of years, but that reign seems to be over. In that vain, I am going to give you a bipolar delivery from Brandon Marshall, the reason your Fantasy relevance has disappeared, BITCHSLAP!!!
Darren McFadden – RUNDNP you are making a 3rd straight appearance and are a front-runner for the GSBS!!! You only played in one game and had 17 yards rushing!!! You have been a complete disappointment all season and have a lot of work to do in order to not make a 4th straight appearance. Until I see you again, try not to come up lame after this ankle busting BITCHSLAP!!!
LeSean McCoy – McCoy you are back for the second time this season, and it looks like your season may be over, which is the ultimate Slap of all!!! Before you took the shot that may have cost you your season, you were trending downward. You had 4 TD in the previous 3 games and have failed to hit pay dirt in your last 3 games!!! You, along with all the other Eagles have been a Fantasy Turd Pile all season, so here is your steaming pile BITCHSLAP!!!
Larry Fitzgerald – Fitzgerald you have not been the same receiver this season with all the problems at quarterback, but your owners still expected more from the man who all the breakout receivers spend their offseason learning from at your aptly named Larry Fitzgerald receiving camp. You have managed just 10 catches for a 116 yards and 1 TD over the past 3 games. Those are the types of stats you used to put up each week!!! You are just not the same Fitz that I remember, so I am going to warm the paddles and…CLEAR BITCHSLAP!!! Let’s hope that revives you!!!
Mike Wallace – Wallace you have been atrocious since losing Big Ben and have managed a total of 11 catches for 113 yards and 1 TD over the past 4 games!!! In 3 of those games you failed to reach 25 yards!!! I understand the diminished returns without Big Ben, but these returns are the kinds that lose Fantasy games!!! On top of that, your Coach is saying you are no longer the starter!!! Wallace I know you will try to run away from this one, which is why I have Usain Bolt here to catch you down and deliver your BITCHSLAP!!!
Miles Austin – Austin your effectiveness has diminished as the season has gone on and it has gotten so bad that you are making your first appearance on my list. Over the past 4 weeks you have only been able to garner 166 yards on 15 catches with 0 TD!!! Your yards per catch have dropped from 17.4 in the 1st quarter to 15.9 in the 2nd quarter to a mere 11.1 in this quarter!!! So as your stats have gotten weaker and weaker you will find a stronger and stronger pain left over from this BITCHSLAP!!!
Mike Williams – Williams your quarterback has been getting better and better all season long, but your stats have become more and more pedestrian as the season has progressed. You have only averaged 3 catches a game for 47 yards and only posted 1 TD, but failed to reach the endzone over the past 3 weeks!!! Even worse, the past 2 weeks you have failed to reach 30 yards receiving!!! So here is the, I am so happy I traded you BITCHSLAP!!!
Dwayne Bowe – Bowe you are making your second straight appearance and it looks like I should keep a spot warm for you in 4 weeks!!! You have 16 catches for 175 yards over the past 4 games and have not scored a TD in 7 weeks!!! It seems a good possibility that you will end up here again and, thus you are still in the running for a 3rd Slap of the year. You have the problem of having no help at the quarterback position, but that will not keep you from receiving my wrath and this BITCHSLAP!!!
Steve Smith – Smith you have been the ultimate decoy and Fantasy dud this season!!! Your last 4 weeks says it all. You started out by scoring your 1st TD of the year to start this quarter, but you have failed to find the endzone again and also could not muster more than 61 yards in your last 4 games!!! Last season you were a target machine and you had 16 targets against the Bears, but have only 7 targets a game in each of your last 4 games!!! I have a target for you and believe me it is going to leave a mark Tommy Boy BITCHSLAP!!!
Victor Cruz – Cruz you have suffered as of late and some of that has to do with Eli Manning and his play, but you are also responsible. In your last 3 games, in this quarter, you have totaled 11 catches for 129 and 1 TD!!! You were drafted as a #1 WR and you only have one 100-yard receiving game in your last 7 games!!! Get ready for a CHUNKY BITCHSLAP!!!
Kenny Britt – Britt you came back from injury and you look like a shell of your former self!!! In your last 3 games you had some bad defenses to work against and you put up 36 and 25 yards against the Dolphins and Jaguars!!! You were expected to come back and show the dominating form that you started off last season with, and you have let me and your other owners down!!! Get ready to be held accountable for your disgrace with this Grand Ole Opry BITCHSLAP!!!
Brandon Lloyd – Lloyd you are on an amazing offense and have a Hall of Fame quarterback and yet you continue to disappoint!!! Over your last 3 games you have been awful, with no more than 5 catches and 45 yards, and of course you have not scored a TD!!! Your yard per catch average is an anemic 9.7 yards over this span…absolutely horrible!!! You only have one 100-yard game on the season and have ruined many a Fantasy season, so here is an early Christmas gift and with a hearty HO HO HO I hit you with this BITCHSLAP!!!
Brent Celek – Celek you have been a total waste of a roster space all season long and with no surprise are back in my crosshairs for a second time this season!!! In your past 4 games you have failed to top 5 catches or 47 yards and have not scored a TD in 7 games!!! I know that you are on a team with a horrible offensive line, but you have dropped too many passes and have been a total wasteland for Fantasy points!!! You should be dropped from all Fantasy teams, but until then I am going to drop you with this BITCHSLAP!!!
Brandon Pettigrew – Matthew Stafford has started to catch fire as of late, but he seems to have left you out in the cold. Over your past 4 games you continued to show your pension for not making a lot of the catches you get as you posted an 8.7 yards per catch average!!! On top of that you posted 3 games in a row below 32 yards receiving and only posted 1 TD catch in your last 4 games, which is not enough to keep you safe from this slow lumbering 8.7 YPC BITCHSLAP!!!
Jared Cook – Cook, you were supposed to be a breakout candidate this year and all you have done is break my heart Fredo!!! You have only had 9 catches in your last 3 games and 6 of those came in your last game where only posted 47 yards!!! The closest you have come to a 100-yard game was a 77-yard performance in week 3!!! You have lost any chance of being a breakout player, so let’s go take the boat out to go fishing and you can say a few Hail Mary’s before I cap you with this BITCHSLAP!!!
Vernon Davis – Davis, you have been an enigma all season and this last quarter is no different. You looked like you were going to carry the momentum of your big 6 catch 83 yard and a TD performance against the Bears forward, but instead you regressed and followed that game by not recording a catch, which is the second time you have done that this season!!! You only have 1 TD since week 3 and have been a wart on Fantasy teams, so I have grabbed some Dr. Scholls, and have for you a wart removing BITCHSLAP!!!
Jermichael Finely – Finely, you are making your 3rd straight appearance and along with RUNDNP are a front-runner to claim the GSBS!!! Over your last 3 games you have a measly total of 7 catches for 123 yards and even though you have 1 TD, it is not enough to make up for your lack of productivity!!! In fact, your season has been so bad that your 3 catches for 66 yards and a TD against Detroit in week 11 was your best game of the season…WEAK!!! You might as well keep your head down as you leave the batters box with your 3rd strikeout in a row and a high and tight Fastball BITCHSLAP!!!
BY HOUDINI (email me)