The Annual NFL Fantasy Draft-  10/04/12

The Annual NFL Fantasy Draft

Every NFL season brings its share of surprises and controversy and so far the 2012 season has been no exception to this rule. We have become enamored with rookies’ Alfred Morris and Robert Griffin III rise to fantasy stardom. We have witnessed the true importance of Sean Payton, as the Saints are winless in 4 games. And of course, we have seen the replacement refs come and go, with their favoritism towards the Seattle Seahawks (4th timeout to Russell Wilson and the Seahawks in Week 1 and the worst call in NFL history against the Packers in Week 3) unquestionably ridiculous. The craziness in the NFL thus far has clearly confused many fans. Luckily for me however, I did my research over the summer and found myself at an event that may shed light on the many crazy situations that have occurred and will continue to occur in the 2012 season.

The NFL’s annual fantasy football draft is about to begin. Fantasy Commissioner Roger Goodell has submitted the list for the participants for this years’ draft. The participants are the following:

1.     Roger Goodell- the Commish.

2.     Sean Payton- famous for running up the score against the Falcons last year. Contrary to popular belief, Payton didn’t do this so Brees could break the passing record, but rather because he had Brees on his fantasy team and was down by 3 points going into the last drive.

3.     Mark Sanchez- fantasy teams always shows promise, but are ultimately too inconsistent to ever legitimately contend.

4.     Terrell Suggs- the league’s “funny guy.”

5.     Terrell Owens- frankly, he has nothing better to do at this point.

6.     Arian Foster- consensus #1 fantasy player makes him a deserving participant.

7.     DeSean Jackson- finished in 9^th place last season. Claims that he “didn’t give it his all” and promises to try harder this year.

8.     Maurice Jones Drew- decided to rejoin the league after a long and pointless holdout.

9.     Bill Belichick- defending champion. Known for finding sleepers and spying on opponents’ waiver wire bids.

10.  The Cleveland Browns- Every league needs that guy (or in this case a full team) that has no idea what’s flying.

11.  Dan Snyder- never a serious contender but loves throwing around money at anything and everything.

12.  Ryan Tannehill- chosen solely because of his wife.

Commissioner Goodell stands up to make the opening remarks: “Gentleman, welcome to our 5^th annual fantasy football draft. Before we get started, I’d like to make a few technical announcements. Point #1: The referee lockout has extended to our fantasy league as well, as Yahoo and ESPN have decided to hold out until further notice. Therefore, our league will switch over to CBS Sportsline for this season.” Groans from the crowd, MJD nods in agreement. (FYI: after CBS Sportsline messed up the scoring and failed to “stat correct”, giving the Cleveland Browns a win over Belichick in Week 3, Yahoo and ESPN ended their lockouts. “Point #2: After a spotty investigation in which I come out looking like an idiot and a complete douche, it seems that Sean Payton implemented a bounty program against other teams strictly for fantasy purposes. Not only has this scarred and tainted the image of the NFL, but it has greatly damaged the respectability of our fantasy league. It seems that I’m left with no choice but to suspend Payton from the league for this upcoming season.”

Payton: “This is bullshit! That bounty was not meant for fantasy! For God’s sake, the Favre thing didn’t even happen until after our fantasy playoffs!” Payton is escorted out of the room by Belichick, who couldn’t be happier despite his apparent lack of emotion.

Goodell: “Moving on, it seems that the Cleveland Browns are late. These guys seem to have a knack for just not showing up. Either way, it’s time to get this draft underway.” Everyone awkwardly waits for a T.O. “Get your popcorn ready” reference, but it doesn’t come. “Arian Foster…you are officially on the clock.”

Foster selects himself and Suggs makes a comment somewhere along the lines of “if you get injured and your concerned about your fantasy team, then you’re sick.” Of course, I wasn’t really paying attention to what Suggs was saying because I could not get over how ugly he was. Not even Ryan Tannehill’s wife could get Suggs’ face out of my head. More on her later.

Rather than go through the entire draft and document the countless Belichick nods, the many Owens/Suggs comments, and the constant ogling over Mrs. Tannehill, I have chosen the 12 best highlights from the draft to share with you.

1.     With his first two picks, Commissioner Goodell selects Chris Johnson and Jimmy Graham. When asked why he didn’t select Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford instead, Goodell replied that “because they play for the Lions, there is a high probability that they will get arrested and face discipline from the league. People would be a little suspicious if I didn’t suspend them.”

2.     MJD selects himself, Mike Wallace, Dwayne Bowe, and every other player who held out in the offseason. MJD was cautiously optimistic about his team. “I hope they don’t realize that this is only a one year deal, otherwise I’m screwed.”

3.     Sanchez selects Tim Tebow ahead of himself, then declares that his team name will be Tebowmania2012.

4.     Five rounds in, the Cleveland Browns decide to show up. To nobody’s surprise, they select Mark Sanchez as their #1 QB.

5.     Suggs drafts Ben Roethlisberger, something I never would have expected. I guess this is what Suggs was referring to in an interview last year in which he stated “Ben Roethlisberger, God have his soul……but his ass is mine.”

6.     Cleveland Browns are on the clock once again and select…..Chad Johnson? To quote Mike Ditka and the rest of the ESPN crew who was there, “C’mon Man!” T.O is forced to explain to the Browns that like himself, Johnson was released. The Browns then go on to draft T.O three rounds later, explaining that even a retired T.O will catch more passes than the Browns’ receivers.

7.     Dan Snyder offers Ryan Tannehill 30 million dollars for Steve Smith (Panthers), to which Tannehill agrees. Snyder then offers an additional 10 million for a night with Ryan’s wife. Due to a confidentiality agreement I cannot report what happened next…

8.     Terrell Owens drafts Robert Griffin III, and then gets teary eyed. When I asked him why his response was simple: “That dude’s my quarterback!”

9.     Okay, screw the confidentiality agreement! After Snyder’s 10 million dollar proposition, an all-out bidding war for Tannehill’s wife ensued. The surprising winner at 30 million dollars was…Bill Belichick!! I bet you never saw that one coming!

10.  DeSean Jackson drafts himself (MJD is visibly upset that he couldn’t draft a former hold-out) and petitions that a new fantasy stat, dropping the football for no reason before actually scoring the touchdown, be added to the scoring system. When told that fumbles already exist in the league, Jackson replied “Crap. I have Michael Vick.”

11.  Sanchez is shocked to find out that Tebow cannot be placed in a RB/WR/TE flex position in fantasy. “I didn’t think that I was actually drafting him to play quarterback,” remarked a dejected Sanchez.

12.  After DeSean Jackson’s last pick, I swore I heard Vince Young calling Jackson’s team “Dream Team.” That can’t be good.

After witnessing this draft, things started to make much more sense. For example, you know that ESPN Monday Night Football commercial where LeSean McCoy is checking how many fantasy points he needs to win? Don’t think that wasn’t real, as McCoy was a member of this league last year. You see Steven Ridley’s incredible performances so far this season? You think that Bill Belichick might have fantasy implications riding on Ridley? You think the Browns inability to catch the ball had anything to do with the fact that…actually, let’s not take it that far, the Browns receivers just happen to suck, but you get where I’m going with this. 

 So there you have it. This exclusive fantasy draft cannot explain everything that will happen this NFL season (quite frankly, nothing other than crappy refereeing can explain the Seattle situation) but I think it will help shed light on a lot that can occur this season. 

By Sykeout!

- 10/04/12